DORMANT DEFENDER DISGUISED AS A BULLY

If a bully is someone who deliberately down-ranks and demeans a vulnerable other, imposes unwanted stress activation to achieve a premeditated interpersonal effect, conjures waves of predatory-derived dopamine as an anticipatory pleasure inducement, and invites a celebratory audience or enlists allies to heighten the experience, could I become such a one? Have I been such?

I recall a grade 9 gym-class locker-room incident. Surrounded by cheering supporters I picked a fight with an annoying classmate. He didn’t want to fight. He looked scared. I remember his para-verbal expressions of fear and helplessness as he stood before me. 

Somehow, despite his anxious display, the circling crowd demanding a sensational and satisfying outcome, and the incongruent nature of knowing myself as a quiet, unassuming introvert, I nevertheless punched him in the stomach. 

As his posture folded, I kneed him in the face. He fell to the ground. And like a self-convicted criminal, I ran from the scene only to be arrested by the gym teacher in the hallway to face justice soon after.

Fast forward 40 years since this memory was ingrained as evidence against me. I evolved to become a correctional Chaplain and a Psychotherapist. But my memories remind me that a bully once occupied this life I now regard as a remorseful, reformed, nurturer of self and others.

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THE OPIOID EPIDEMIC

In the U.S. just over 5,000 people died from opioid overdose in 1968 and this had increased to just over 8,400 people by 1990. Fast forward to 2016 and this number had increased dramatically to over 64,000 – approx.. 175 people per day. Drug overdose is now the single most common cause of death for people under 50 years old in the U.S.

Opioids is a class of drugs which includes prescription pain killers and illegal drugs such as heroin. In the 1990’s opioids became actively promoted for the treatment of pain in the belief they were non-addictive and prescriptions reached record numbers. In 2016, twelve states had more painkiller prescriptions than they had people.

We now know these painkillers are addictive and around 25% of people who are prescribed them will end up misusing the drug. This class of drug creates pathological levels of cravings to obtain and use the drug, and once the body has adapted to their presence, stopping using creates extremely unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. Once “hooked” it is extremely difficult to quit, often resulting in the use of illegal sources of the drug. Furthermore, the availability of more powerful, synthetic opioids, such as fentanyl, has significantly contributed to the current epidemic.

Fentanyl is about 50X more potent than heroin making it very dangerous when used recreationally and without controls – 3 mgs (less than a grain of sand) can kill an average sized adult male. Then there’s Carfentanyl, about 5,000X more potent than heroin. These drugs have been widely available on the street and often “cut” into other drugs to increase profit as they’ve been relatively cheap and easily obtained.

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Play Therapy

Children can benefit enormously from psychotherapy. There are often situations that become challenging for them, a therapist can help them gain the tools needed to overcome those situations. An effective approach with children is Play Therapy. 

As explained by Virginia Axline (1969), an expert in the field: “Play Therapy is based upon the fact that play is the child’s natural medium of self-expression.  It is an opportunity for the child to ‘play out’ his/her feelings and problems just as adults talk out their difficulties.”

Once we reach adulthood, we’ve learned to communicate our thoughts and feelings verbally, we’ve also become familiar with identifying our feelings and their possible causes, children are not there yet. Most young children don’t have the vocabulary or even the emotional awareness to understand and communicate what goes on in their inside world. 

A child would most likely “act out” the feelings that are unsettling her/him instead of verbalizing them. Adults are often confused and unable to understand and respond to what the child is trying to communicate through behavior, situation that can end up in frustration for both parties.

 

When adults demand from a child a solely verbal communication about emotions he/she is wrongly assuming that both child and adult have the same level of expression and ability to communicate verbally. 

Play therapy provides the means and environment to allow the therapist to enter the child’s world and get a better understanding of what is happening instead of asking the child to come into the adult world to communicate.

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MEN’S HEALTH

A few months ago, I asked my female friends on social media to share their best advice for men. I got a lot of responses. Interestingly, when I did the same thing and asked men to share their best advice for women, the advice was not nearly so forthcoming. Are men intimidated to speak about the things that bother them? That is an article for another day.

The following is my letter to men, based on what these women seem to want men to know.

 

Dear Modern Man

Times are changing and it’s very hard to know what the right thing to do is, especially because every woman is different, so generalizations aren’t always helpful.

Let me first put it out there and say that being a man in this generation offers many rewards and challenges. Striking the right balance between confidant and thoughtful, proud and aggressive, helpful and a pushover can be very hard. Yet the confining definitions of how a man should be, are also evolving. It can be freeing as well as confusing.

Ironically, after listening to these many women speak (thank you ladies for sharing), the resounding theme could be boiled down to one word: listen. It would be premature if I concluded the article now, although if you do walk away with only one thing, let it be the word: “listen.”

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Even Superheroes Need Help!

Listen guys, I get it…. We need to be strong, flexible, responsible, versatile, and always there for our partners, kids, bosses, co-workers, and even the sweet old neighbor that needs too much help.

But when does the superhero, Mr. “everything”, need to just take a step back and catch their breath?  Should Mr. dependable even need to be bothered by such trivial matters?

My fellow fellas, please remember that burnout is real!

Think of it this way; even if you don’t think that you need to engage in self-care, wouldn’t a recharged superhero be a more effective Mr. Dependable-Everything?

During Movember I implore you to take a moment and engage in real self-care.  Whether it means you finally go in for that physical that you’ve been putting off; making sure you actually create a realistic work-life balance; start and adhere to a better diet and exercise routine; or simply smile more, love more, and truly enjoy the “worlds” that you work so hard to protect.

Take good care fellow superheroes!

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